6.1.2020
This is one of my self-imposed
pieces of advice to myself: always keep up a running conversation with yourself.
Not only does it entertain you and the hapless strangers you pass on the
street, it also keeps you very self- aware.
My internal dialogue for a
while now has been about the way I speak. I have been trying to understand why
I voice certain things that I feel and why I don’t voice others. What is my
screening process? How do I go about sifting through the hundreds of thoughts,
ideas, opinions and judgements that spring up in my head, and selecting only a
few to express?
Most importantly, what
happens to all that goes unsaid?
I first noticed that a lot of
my reactions to things I hear, see, or read about are spontaneous and immediate, and
consequently very genuine. Then comes the screen test. However outspoken I am about
the state of the country we are in, or the restrictions our society imposes on
us, and how much I advocate free speech; I still sometimes hold back my
thoughts out of fear of destabilizing otherwise smoothly progressing
conversations, or shaking some age old dogma.
Do you find yourself relating
to this? Now that I have spent some time observing this reaction to my own
thoughts, I have concluded that what I feel may not be classified as fear, as I
am not afraid of offending someone or anything like that.
I cannot find a single word
to sum it up so I shall just call it a habit –which I’m aware, is a single word, but it is not the
appropriate one. I call this a ‘habit’
because of the conditioning we all have received, whether consciously or
unconsciously. Despite coming from a liberal and understanding family such as
mine, society’s imprint never fully went away, and in more situations than one
I have found that it very unconsciously influences what I do or say.
Maybe I should have started
with a relatable observation. I also hold back because I am afraid I may be
laughed at or my opinion dismissed.
Is this again society’s
doing? Sometimes we use the term ‘society’ very loosely.
This is not to say that I am
not to blame for embarrassing myself on occasion. I am notorious for saying the
wrong thing; this is the price you pay for being a chatterbox. I have not only touched
upon the elephant in the room multiple times, I have dragged it out of its
hiding place and escorted it to the centre with pomp and fanfare. This is not
necessarily a bad thing.
Therefore, each time I successfully
make my point, while knowing fully well that it may not be appreciated, I celebrate
it. A tiny victory in the larger battleground of unsaid opinions.
But for both these reasons, I
have realized that writing becomes all the more necessary for me to engage in,
hopefully on a regular basis. As it not only is a form of catharsis, but also a
platform I can use to ask questions about what I see and hear around me, and
express thoughts I may (I said may. I’m
trying, okay!) leave unsaid after all.
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